I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
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if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
I am all good here, 😂😉
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not
love it when they get my name right
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.