I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
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My dryer is celebrating lint.
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
There’s only one good girl here!
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.