I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
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A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
