I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
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I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Wait a second…
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.