I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
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Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Meme Monday.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
always be there
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)