I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
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*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
put ‘er there pardner!
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”