Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes

Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.

When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.

Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”

My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.

who named him groot and not spruce lee

I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.

Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.

“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts

Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???

If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer

BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think

“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?

Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?

Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.

Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?

It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Terrible heart surgeon.

my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY

*E=mcHammer

*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..

I’m having an out of money experience.

I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.

Alarm clock set for 6:00 am

Bladder set for 5:54 am

If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.

HIM: I wanna be more than friends.

ME: You wanna be BEST friends?

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.