Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.

Me: *stomach rumbling*

8: Why is your tummy making those noises?

M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive

Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor

Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.

I hate elevators, they give me vertigo

I take many steps to avoid them

When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”

You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?

When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.

My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.

Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.

Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.

Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?

Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”

[on phone]

Of course I trust you, babe. Always.

*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”

Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk

all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.

A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog

I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.

Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name

FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby

ME: not today satan

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i can cry

professor x: on command?

me: no just when i’m sad or whatever

professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?

me: nope

professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?

ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…

{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station