Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.

Me: Oh that will never happen.

Him: Are you breaking up with me?

Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.

*walks into business conference*

*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*

*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*

[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad

I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?

Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.

[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”

Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test

I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone

yes, those are my real potatoes.

PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.

the battle rages on

not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus

All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.

[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”

oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

Well, I just invested all my retirement savings in Nvidia. Now to take a big sip of coffee and see what’s trending on twitter.

Throwing a Don’t Kill Yourself Dinner Party where everyone brings a dish so delicious that we remember why life is worth living

[feather on the ground]

4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!

Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.

4: I know. They fell off.

Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!

Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.

me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house

drug dealer: who are you talking to

me: [lowering my voice] he knows

ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words

WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it

WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?

MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]

if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England