I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
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PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
✌🏽
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this