I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
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I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.