I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
You Might Also Like
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
No way!
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names