Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him

I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.

*knuckle tats*

M A Y O N N A I S E

A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.

*showing my kids bobsledding clips*

My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.

I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them

Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.

Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.

I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬

friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil

[earlier]

the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal

“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.

All. The. Damn. Time.

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented

Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell

Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?

Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond

[cross-country trip]

me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap

passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus

Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied

[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”

“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”

Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.

I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”

Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster

My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.