people who do mutinies should be called mutants
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I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.