I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
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*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse