I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
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Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.