I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
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“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.