I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
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Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
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The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
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On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
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people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.