I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
You Might Also Like
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Buying a well is money well spent.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.