I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
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ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.