I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
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Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels