I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
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Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is