Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What do you want for your birthday?

12yo: I don’t know

Me, jokingly: Drugs?

12yo: Nah, too expensive

Me:

Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.

Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?

Me: *finally asleep*

Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!

My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀

*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”

Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate

Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted

If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office

I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.

I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.

Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?

Me: My computer broke

IT guy: What have you tried so far?

Me: Everything

IT guy:

Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want

The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.

cop: any drugs on u

me: on or in

cop: what

me: what

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

Modded the new Gran Turismo