I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
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The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage