I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
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I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
“What’s wrong with you?”
Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?
Favourite diary entry ever
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up