Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.

People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms

Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY

Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…

“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”

My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”

Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.

*walks out of pharmacy*

Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild

Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.

I’m like American Cheese.

Krafty and oh so single.

Also terrible for you.

Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”

10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”

Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?

I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up

If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.