I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
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I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
me watching my own Instagram story
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Oh. My. God.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.