I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
馃槼
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#FunnyLife Insects
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it鈥檚 my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it鈥檚 dating the director
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It鈥檚 brown.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
I can鈥檛 stop laughing at this
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I鈥檝e been smelling all day.