Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk

CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.

“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”

-Ground hogs

aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.

Always this one for me forever

The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare

Ah to hear the music of the angles!

worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.

Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”

Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”

The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.

me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going

ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you

PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.

Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”

It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it

Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.

📸: @thesproutingsunflower

At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.

GUY: I wish girls liked comics.

GIRL: I love comics.

GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”

And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink

– me with a broken jaw