Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:

6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey

Me: Where’s the remote?

Toddler: I didn’t eat it!

Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name

My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower

“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”

[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector

“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.

How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea

Me: *rocks boat*

Her: Hey!

Me: *rocks faster*

Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?

Me: I do.

I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van

FRIEND: …and?

ME: that’s it i guess

Me: Why were my tests so expensive?

Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.

Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?

Hospital: Our fax machine was down.

I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable

Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.

Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.

Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button

*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh

My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.

Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.

“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”

Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.

[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]

Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.

People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.

34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.