Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane

that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that

dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”

I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable

My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.

Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.

I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.

I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.

Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?

Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.

[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]

How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!

Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart

colleague: do u like the clown from IT?

me: nah he never fixes my computer

“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”

“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.

Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.

Kidnapper: We have your wife.

Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!

Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is

I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous

me: hey, danger’s my middle name

daughter: WHAT?!?

son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???

“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”

“What’s that Sarge?”

“Someone’s building a pig.”

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me:

{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!

Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”

Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists

“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced

The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this