Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.

Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?

Me: Drunk!

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

But weight, there’s more!

– Thanksgiving

Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.

Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69

[Halloween]

Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!

14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.

i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.

best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks

Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.

Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship

Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.