Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

me: can I get a job application

mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience

me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these

Did you dream of me, baby?

-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?

No, silly.

-Then no.

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined

Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

go easy on yourself <3

The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread

Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.

Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.

Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.

Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert

me: sure!

serial killer: r-really

me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy

serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-

me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!

They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.

Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!

(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)

My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?

My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”

*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair

Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.

Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long

Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.

A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT

My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.