Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: what are some of your strengths

me: i’m really good at making people question their reality

interviewer: what does that mean

me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you

My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.

They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.

Or bees.

I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll

Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*

One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year

Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.

this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over

“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.

The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose

Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids

2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans

I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

Me: *on the computer*

9-year-old: What are you doing?

Me: Registering you for school.

9: I thought we were friends.

The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.

Did my cat write this

God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?

Lion: yes.

God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?

Lion: no why?

[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]

God: I guess I’ll delete them then.

Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!

[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]

It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon

Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.

Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*