Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.

I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)

“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew

{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.

me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting

me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now

how to exercise your calf muscles

[job interview]

“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*

Not that I’m aware of.

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?

Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.

Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.

COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.

“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”

ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?

WIFE: Two!

ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.

People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.

Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

4: can I have a snack?

Me: it’s almost time for dinner.

4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.

Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today

*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples

Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.

Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes

So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.

ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!

BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.

I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.

Worst. Transformer. Ever .

So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.