Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.

*falls off log and dies

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.

That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”

I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..

Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”

Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”

Me: “The kids did.”

H: “Are you sure?”

Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”

H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”

Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.

[on the train]

Conductor: Ticket please

Me: *hands it over*

C: Lady this is a speeding ticket

M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train

As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.

Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”

And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”

“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.

Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.

I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.

Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?

Fleeced Navidad

#GoldCrackers

8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me

Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?

Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro

Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey

You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?

Him: you know, a baby deliverer…

Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.

Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?

Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments

{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!