Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.

Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.

Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT

I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”

I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”

Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars

Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”

Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…

My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.

Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.

Jfc.

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir

fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”

Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked

If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.

Stop undressing me with your eyes!!

Use your teeth.

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…

The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…

I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.

doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.

“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class

Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast

The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.

That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.