I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
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Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
dude it’s called proctologist
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”Actually I just wanna check the court websites
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon