Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

Me: want a grilled cheese?

6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.

Me: you got it.

What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?

him: what are you looking for on this dating site?

me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.

half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer

I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.

Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?

I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.

Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea

Me: ooo I love diarrhea

My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.

googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh

I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.

I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in

HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN

“OMG, this is better than sex!”

-Me, snacking during sex

Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday

My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”

CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA

I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.