I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
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My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
I’m too immature for adultery.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
What the hell happened in there??
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
