Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.

That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.

Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?

Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.

Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!

Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.

Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*

*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche

*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*

ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!

How to get a girl to like you:

1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?

My five year plan is a meteorite

How does someone manage that 🤨

I’ve updated my will…

“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.

What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?

Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD

Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000

Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024

I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.

[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?