I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
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ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
