Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.

A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”

[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though

My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all

that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans

9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.

Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything

The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.

Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again

MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.

Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??

squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

why isn’t he texting back

ME: what came first the chicken or the egg

FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

Please don’t cry

Seeing your tears makes me have to pee

I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?

Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.