Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Body: we’re hungover

Me: but I didn’t drink anything

My Body: I don’t make the rules

I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.

[NASA March 1970]

Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?

NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!

[NASA April 1970]

[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]

Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica

Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

[doing crossword]

Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks

I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”

Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT

Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’

Breaking news:

Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!

Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.

The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.

He got away Scott free.

What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.

the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister

A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌

GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?

“Hygiene”

SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.

French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.

Me: Where’s the 5th?

FG: Cinq.

My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.

Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.

Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.