Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.

Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.

Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.

AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving

ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea

MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man

420BLAZEIT: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man

1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…

“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”

It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.

But it’s harder to deter gents.

The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”

I know that now.

Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”

I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.

I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once

Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.

Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.

Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store

Cashier: …why are you telling me this?

Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.

Dr.: Very well. Just relax..

*puts bow on Pacman’s head

You look like you would fail a DNA test

I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.

Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.

When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?

Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.

That’s no pocket rocket.

Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.