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Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?

Me: the hospital.

Wife: what happened?

Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.

Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.



Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.


ME: My husband says you use special traps that put the mice outside to play with their friends



What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu


Wife: our daughter got her first time-out today.

Me: what does that mean?

Wife: she had to sit quietly in the corner by herself for 10 minutes.

Me: I’ll go talk to her.

Wife: thanks.

Me: [to daughter] how do I get one of those time-outs?


You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.


Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.


My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.



So, why do you want to be a judge?

*Imagines myself going work everyday in my robe* “To fight crime”


[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down


Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise

Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?

Doctor: sure

Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never