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@NicestHippo

[australia’s first national meeting]
Do we want to make our own language?
That’s too hard, let’s keep this one but say everything weird

@gorrdano

Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.

@smeagolsfree

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

@iwearaonesie

wife [on phone] Did you preheat the oven like I asked?
me: Yep
wife: What temperature?
me: 534
wife: That’s the clock
me
wife
me: 535

@BigJDubz

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

@OtherDanOBrien

*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*

@louisvirtel

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

@shkeeber

1. Find homeless man.

2. Bathe him.

3. Wash & patch up his clothes.

4. Give him a record player.

5. Congratulations, you own a hipster.

@abbycohenwl

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes