Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
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Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
This is a sub tweet
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.