Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
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ME: My husband says you use special traps that put the mice outside to play with their friends
EXTERMINATOR [LOOKS AT HUSBAND]: umm, yeaahh
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Wife: our daughter got her first time-out today.
Me: what does that mean?
Wife: she had to sit quietly in the corner by herself for 10 minutes.
Me: I’ll go talk to her.
Me: [to daughter] how do I get one of those time-outs?
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
So, why do you want to be a judge?
*Imagines myself going work everyday in my robe* “To fight crime”
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never