[australia’s first national meeting]
Do we want to make our own language?
That’s too hard, let’s keep this one but say everything weird
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Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
wife [on phone] Did you preheat the oven like I asked?
wife: What temperature?
wife: That’s the clock
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Goes to bed*
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
1. Find homeless man.
2. Bathe him.
3. Wash & patch up his clothes.
4. Give him a record player.
5. Congratulations, you own a hipster.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes