i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
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[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
58.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.