Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.

i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them

Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”

WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…

long lost

i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family

Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*

If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.

Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –

my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”

The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.

The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.

If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.

it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato

they are potato chips

Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s

I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells

I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.

[Diner]

Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free

*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*

my 6 year-old: im a police

Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable