I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
You Might Also Like
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.