Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers

reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:

-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching

every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it

YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING

Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!

Put on my glasses….

Damn it!

“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.

Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”

Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”

Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”

*Drunk dials Mr. Clean

My house is soooooo dirty right now.

Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look

Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $2,000.

DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?

WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.

In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

Festival

Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?

Me: No, thank you.

PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!

Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.

Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*

Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro

Pal: I think you mean…

Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…

In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”

Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer

My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.

A bunch of bras is called a support group.

Thanks for following.

Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids

Husband: What’s the nightmare part?

excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?

“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table

That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??

you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.