I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
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COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.