Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you stub your toe but there are kids around.

[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]

simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!

nala:

simba:

nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?

Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.

Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.

Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.

My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now

Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed

I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

Anyone really

Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.

wishing you and yours all the best

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

[*planning dinner*]

Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”

Her: “Oh, any!”

Later:

[job interview]

him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol

He’s dead

(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.

God: you’re a zebra.

Zebra: nice!

God: you have black stripes.

Zebra: like a tiger?

God: yes exactly!

Zebra: so we’re the same!

God: no.

Zebra: why not?

God: you eat grass instead of meat.

Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!

I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.

Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top

The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.

SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS