I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
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ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
okay run it by me one more time
what it’s like dating me:
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.