@Gooooats

I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD and it told me I have Gary Busey.

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@mrjohndarby

Me: What’s your favourite book?

Her: Well, I love 1984

Me: Ok, but just choose one.

@briangaar

Donald Trump is basically the villain in every anime so I assume he’ll be defeated by a 13-year-old boy in short pants

@curlymalloy

Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!

@wildethingy

I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.

@velvettusk

“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

@Owl_Meat

[In a cucumber submarine]

1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain

Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle

@DrakeGatsby

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

@bloodysurgeon1

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.