Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
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*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them