I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
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A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
#catsoftwitter
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Are you having a good day? Or did you wear lip gloss on a windy day?
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now