Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you

attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin

Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”

woke up on the wrong side of the jed today

Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*

11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!

Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.

*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*

I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU

In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.

Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!

There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

🤣🤣🤣

If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.

I occasionally drink every single night.

respect

my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.

Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

Direct deposit: +1400

Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice

I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat

[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]

My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna