I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
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Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.