Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS

I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older

[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”

One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.

Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.

Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.

Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

Clean sheet day!!

*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am

Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?

The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?

Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys

Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog

My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time

[Psychiatrist’s Office]

ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?

PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.

I’d like to be alone now please sign out.

If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks

Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.