Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time

*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”

I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.

I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.

Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha

Noah: [door lock noise]

I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways

Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.

[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here

a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.

maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this

Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!

Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?

Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.

[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job

[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men

When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.

Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.

Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: i want a million wishes.

Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!

Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.

Roman: Any last words?

Jesus: I’ll be back.

*carves turkey

*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep

going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again

“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”

-psychopaths

Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]

Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”

Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*