I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
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I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed