I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
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she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael