I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
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Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Monica just destroyed the internet
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
