Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.

[marketing meeting]

me: what campaign are we working on today?

boss: spaghetti-o’s

me: uh oh

boss: say that again

The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.

I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.

Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.

if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies

[trying on a camouflage jacket]

Me: how much is this

Store Clerk: how much is what

All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.

If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five

[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

[First day at Amazon]

me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*

manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.

“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.

What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

who’s ready for the long weeknd?

If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?

Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.

my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood

Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.

Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.

This one never gets the credit it deserves