I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
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Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up