I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
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*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
He just like my cat fr
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports