Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”

Yes, I had to google that.

Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.

not seeing the problem

ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.

Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!

Stranger: nice to meet you

Me: give it time

I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.

It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything

her: sure

me: why

Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.

If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.

[slight drizzle outside]

Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.

Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.

If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.

My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math

Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.

Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.

*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*

“Bag Full”. Me too vacuum. Me too.

When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?

We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

Expect the unexporcupine.

Me: I wish for a lightsaber.

Genie: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.

Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?