I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
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Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.