I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
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[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
I was just discussing this with my cat
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.