I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
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Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.