I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
You Might Also Like
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
My really creepy/annoying neighbor asked me to borrow $20 for an emergency last week and now he’s been ducking me and it’s so awesome. Would have payed way more to get this guy to leave me alone
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Watermelon Boss!
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.