I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
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16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college