Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?

me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]

WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.

[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?

Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.

google: please stop

me: more frogs with teeth

My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.

I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it

Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.

Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.

Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.

I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.

[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks

Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.

8: momma why didn’t you swim?

Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.

8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.

47 years ago today, Soap debuted.

We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.

This scene. 😂😂😂

Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.

Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

“You’ve got a friend in me.”

– Cannibals, probably

Me: What are you doing?!

5-year-old: Hugging my sister.

Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.

5:

Me:

5: The good ones do.

A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.

Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…

I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

banker: you’re spending more than you bring in

me: god forbid i’m good at something

I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.