I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
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I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
I wish this was real life…
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
You learn something every day
Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”