Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A local supermarket.

A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”

The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

kitchen magnet

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”

DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”

Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.

It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

waiter: what’ll it be?

me: I’ll have chameleon

waiter: that’s not on the menu

me: how can you be sure?

ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.

A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.

When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig

Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.

what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?

You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me

Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.

My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!

[Inventor of the plow]

I’m gonna stab that field

Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?

My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.

it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option