I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
You Might Also Like
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.