I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
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If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*