I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
You Might Also Like
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
When the stylist spins you back around
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?