Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?

(during sex)

Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer

I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.

And my shoes got wet.

millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?

just witnessed a drug deal

Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?

New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.

nobody:

stick in the park:

6 y/o me: I will take it home

Me: How’d you injure your back?

Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt

My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”

I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.

[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading

*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

Therapy: Expensive

saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free

<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…

“Ow! I’m brined!”

I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.

sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”

COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone

TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion

is getting good sleep gay now

is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours

Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.