Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.

😾

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life

Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.

What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!

⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.

Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.

did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy

Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes

Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term

Me: Don’t kid yourself

*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”

Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all

Cop: You been drinking?

Me: No.

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.

Me: Alphabet the.

Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.

Me: Each letter.

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.

When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure

as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default

Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off

Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?