I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
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Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.