I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
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me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
i smell a pulitzer
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Single worst piece of software ever invented
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like